Tug of War

Autism?

Autism?! You are being silly now. Let's get you some help. Maybe they can give you some meds or something.
(I'm not crazy. But maybe I am a little overwhelmed... Okay.)

Back

Mama, you're way too soft. You need to show him who's boss)
(I want him to feel safe.)

Back

Mama, you're too harsh.
(I'm trying. Nothing I do is getting through to him.)

Back

Mama, there's something I should tell you. I think your son has autism.
(You see it too?)

Forth

I see it. My son has it. Let's get you guys some help.
(Okay, I'm ready.)

Forth

Oh yes, definitely enough red flags. Let's start Early Intervention.
(Okay, let's do that. Let's help him some help.)

Forth

Yes, definitely. I see what you see. I see it. Definitely.
(Sigh of relief)

Forth

Weeeellllllll, he's doing okay. Maybe it's not autism.
(Whaaaat? I thought you said....)

Back

It's there, but it's also not there.
(How can it be there and not there at the same time?!)

Back

His eye contact is very strange. He's very rigid.
(No shit)

Forth

We actually don't know what's going on yet. Let's wait a bit more.
(Frustration. Okay. You do that.)

Back

Yes, yes, it's there.
(Of course it is!)

Forth
Don't worry, the diagnosis is coming.
(Good, because we need this for him.)

Forth

No, no autism. It might be a language & speech disorder. Some traits, but not autism.
(Are you flooking kidding me right now?! He meets ALL the criteria!)

Back

It's a lot of traits, more on the spectrum than not. We can call it autism and treat it as such, but it's maybe not really autism. We're not actually sure so we won't diagnose yet. We need more time to see with language.
(Okay, not 100% convinced but okay, I respect that you are educated in a field I am not. We'll give it more time.)

Back

No, it's definitely more than language. We are specialized in language. We know if language causes these behaviors. The other kids don't have these issues.
(Ha. Tell me something I don't know. But hey, what do I know. I'll just let you do your job.)

Forth

He has a language and speech disorder.
(Okay, does that mean he can go to that special school that would help him a ton?)
We need to make a request for special education, he cannot go to a regular school yet.
(Enormous sigh of relief.)
But it doesn't explain the rest.
(No, it doesn't.)

Forth

This special school will help with that too.
(Yes. Yes, but will it help us as parents?)
The autism is there. We have very little doubt. You need to have him re-evaluated. You need more help and clarity.
(Ha, that's an understatement! Yes, let's re-evaluate. They said it was this or that. We've ruled this out now so they cannot argue this anymore.)

Forth
Re-evaluate? Okay. Let's do the ADOS.
(Oh good, the ADOS. That's an official test. Surely this will tell us?)

Forth

No, no autism, I don't think. Give it time for language to develop more.
(Are you flooking kidding me?! He clearly struggles with several aspects of the test!)

Back

There are clear and severe delays in several areas.
(Yeah no shit!)

Forth

I still have to score the test but he is making progress. Kids with autism plateau.
(What the actual F.?! What did you just say? Am I seriously hearing that from you right now? That's it? All this, all these reports and people who agree, and that's it? Where do we go from here?)

Back 

Mama, why are you so emotional? Maybe you should send him away on weekends so it's easier for you.
(Where's the door, I can't see through all this black. My hands are shaking. I can't see. There, it's there. I need to leave before I leave with a felony conviction. I can't breathe. Faster. I need to get out.)

Back, SO far back

He didn't get his diagnosis? Let it go, Mama. He's in a good place now. Focus on the positives.
(He's in a good place - but I'm not. I have to do it all. There's a lot I don't know how to do and I am running out of energy and ideas. He needs more and I cannot get him more without a diagnosis. I'm so tired.)

Back

He didn't get his diagnosis? Fight it, Mama! He needs it, you KNOW he does! When they didn't give our child their diagnosis we did this, this, that....
(I don't know how. I don't know where to go. I don't know who to trust. Maybe I should keep fighting though. It might help him more in the long run.)

Forth

Mama, get a second opinion! You can go here, here, there... Get another referral! It's your right! Keep pushing!
(The thought of starting all over again is unbearable. And for what? Will it get us anywhere? I'm so tired. No one is listening. We're not getting the help we were promised and I'm too drained to keep begging.)

Back

Mama, why are you giving up now?!
(I can't. I can't do it right now. I'm drained. I'm sorry. It's been 2 years of fighting, of ups and downs and emotions I can hardly keep under control. I don't even know. I don't know. I just want it all to stop. It needs to stop.)

Back, back some more.

Autism?
(What if I'm wrong? What if I am completely wrong and am seeing things? What if I WANT it to be autism? What if it's all just in my head. What if I'm not seeing clearly anymore? Maybe I should go back to the doctor. Maybe take the pills this time. Maybe leave for some time. Who knows.)

Back, way back..

Form of Autism.
(Why is that in the report? That's undiag-)
Autism. There is a diagnosis coming. The psychologist told us, but you didn't hear it from us.

Mama, why are you so frazzled?