A Day With Kiddo

There is no true manual when it comes to raising kids, especially when you are not raising your typical child. As a mother, I went in assuming I knew most of what I needed to know and can't say that I truly felt overwhelmed by the thought of having to raise a child. No, in fact, I felt rather comfortable.

And then I had my son...

You see, everything I knew - or thought I knew, rather - came into question. All the things I said I wouldn't do, I found myself doing and I found myself being unable to do lots of the things that I had wanted to do.

You see, a typical day with kiddo will often go like this...

Kiddo will wake. For the longest time, the way we (and the neighbors!) would be informed that he was awake was by him screaming at the top of his lungs. Now, I am not a morning person by ANY means and being woken by a screaming child was NOT a good way to start the day. I let the Mr. handle getting him out of bed so I wouldn't strangle the child while I gave myself a few extra minutes to recover and drag myself out of bed. Luckily, for the past couple of weeks, he has stopped screaming that way. I still have to drag myself out of bed and will still grumble and groan until after I've had my coffee but, at least, I am not wanting to strangle anyone first thing in the morning.

Now, quickly after having gotten kiddo out of bed, we'd often know the direction the day was going to head in just by kiddo's face. If he is smiley and has bright eyes, we know we should have an average day. If he is very smiley and is chatty, this is the kind of day to jump on if you want to do anything remotely out of the ordinary. However, if he frowns a lot and is almost silent, you've been warned, tread carefully - very carefully. Some days he wakes up looking very agitated, eyes darting all over the place and he just seems ‘off’.

When he was younger, I was pretty insistent that his diaper be changed immediately after getting up as it was full from the night. Since kiddo insists on having a large cup of milk as soon as he is on his two feet, we ended up with pee everywhere if this wasn't done. Unfortunately, most of the time, this really set off the kiddo as he absolutely had no interest in having it done at that moment. Usually, any attempt to change it then resulted in a full on war with the kid, complete with screaming, kicking, diapers flying, tempers flaring, and a grumpy Mr. by the time I came downstairs. We are lucky now that he is older as he can retain his pee and it is less urgent to change his diaper immediately after getting out of bed.

Now, as I said, kiddo would normally insist on having his cup of milk at this point. This would be indicated by him pointing angrily at his cup, him shaking the baby gate angrily, or him repeating 'cuppa' repeatedly until you were filling it. At this point, if you had grabbed the green cup and rinsed it thinking you could fill that one, you were either scolded angrily or would see your offer of milk completely rejected with the kiddo standing there, arms crossed, while his angry glare informed you of your wrongdoing. Blue cup. Blue cup is for milk. These days, it seems the milk has been replaced with making coffee. Yes, that is right, our 2.5 year-old makes our coffee. He seems happy enough now to wait for his milk so he can drink it while we drink out coffee - and this is only because we've absolutely refused to give him a coffee of his own. Despite our best intentions, we often leave our empty cups on the table and he promptly licks our cups clean of any drop of coffee that was left behind...

When it comes to things like making coffee, we have to think it through carefully. Every step you allow him to do once, is a step he'll insist on doing. Every. Single. Time. In fact, the whole reason he's making coffee here is because he helped make coffee at his aunt's house and insisted on making coffee here from that point on. The whole thing is a process practically set in stone. It needs to be done the same way every time and something as simple as my presence makes him nervous as the routine has been set between him and his father. So, right now, he cannot quite open the cabinet where the cups are held so he is happy enough to allow the Mr. to hand him the cups. It used to be okay for the Mr. to put the cups on the table and fill the cream there but I think the kiddo now carries the cups to the counter and Mr. has to fill them there. I am not sure if kiddo is filling the cream yet or if he is still allowing his father to do this while kiddo gets the sugar. Kiddo will put the coffee pads in while the Mr. quickly (and rather discretely) corrects them before kiddo places the holder in the machine and starts the coffee. Any misstep can lead to him shutting down or throwing a fit. Inadvertently turn the machine on out of habit and you’ll be hearing it. We've absolutely refused to allow the kiddo to carry the coffee to the coffee table so he tends to hold the gate open while this is done. As long as you allow him to do something for everything you don't allow, you *might* just be okay.

Now, we've got our coffees ready so kiddo needs his milk. It used to be that we had to fill his cup in secret because any sight of the blue (regular milk) carton would send him into a screaming fit. The brown carton (chocolate milk) is what he drinks and this is the ONLY thing he'll drink in the morning so make sure you have it. Luckily, we've managed to get away with sneaking some chocolate syrup in his regular milk for emergencies. Nowadays, however, we no longer need to do this in secret and he has caught onto us and has accepted that we've been cutting his chocolate milk with regular milk. In fact, he often predicts which carton might be out so he'll go get a new one from the pantry even before you ask. And, since he has a cement truck which we've allowed him to fill with water himself, he has now understood that he can fill things and has been demanding to fill his own cup of milk since. Now, if we've made it this far without pissing him off by inadvertently doing something wrong, we can go enjoy our drinks. For example, we had a day where kiddo was still sleeping by the time the Mr. and I were downstairs. Without thinking, we had our coffee and kiddo woke up while we were drinking it so the Mr. went to get him. Well, what was a smile quickly turned into a frown and the kiddo went mute, suddenly refusing to talk to either of us until I realized our mistake. Once I told him I wanted another coffee and asked if he'd make one, he quickly said "Yeah!" and jumped off my lap to collect our cups to go make coffee. Luckily, he now understands that we can reuse our cups because the first time he faced that situation, he had a fit because it was against the rules as normally the first step to coffee making would be to take the cups out of the cabinet. On the other hand, I am still unable to refuse a coffee when I am not in the mood for one as this is absolutely against the 2-cup rule.

My partner usually takes Puck out at this point and kiddo will sit in the windowsill to watch. Kiddo often whines at this point but it's nothing really serious. Once that is done, it is time for Papa to head to work. This is always done the same way. Kiddo will be in my arms and he and I may argue about whether or not we need to turn the light on. Papa will give kiddo a kiss goodbye and kiddo will tell Papa that he has to kiss me too even before Papa has the time to do so. Once I get my kiss, kiddo will most oftentimes squeal with delight and then tell Papa to go. Kiddo will then proceed to tell Papa how to get out by pointing at the hooks and then the handle. We'll then stand in the doorway while kiddo looks out for the car lights to signal that the Mr. unlocked the car and kiddo will giggle and point at them. Kiddo will decide which way Papa will go. If the Mr. pulls out of the parking and drives in the 'wrong' direction, kiddo will not wave to Papa and he and I are going to have a really bad time, leaving me to deal with a tantrum. If the Mr. pulls out and drives in the right direction, kiddo will happily wave goodbye to Papa and we can then move on to the next step. I've never been so annoyed with a 2-way street before. Luckily, Mr. now simply asks kiddo which direction to head in and will just adjust his route when out of sight. This very thing happens if we are all in the car together as well. Kiddo will tell the Mr. which way to go. Sometimes, attempts to redirect will lead to him screaming. We ended up taking a detour to get somewhere in peace the other day. Ah, and don't make the mistake of thinking that kiddo will ask for Papa to drive the same way to work every day, he might change it on you just when you think you got the hang of it!

Nowadays, this is usually the easiest time to change his diaper. If you got him at the right moment, he'll run off ahead of you and pick out his diaper himself. We recently noticed that he had been piling some diapers off to the side and have now realized that he had noticed that the diapers come in 2 different patterns. He has now decided that he will ONLY wear the ones with the lions. His father has told me how to sneak the others on so I have taken to doing that. Pampers are way too expensive for him to be that picky! This now explains why he threw a fit the day I tried to put him in a diaper he hadn't picked... Once on his table, he will raise him bottom when asked so I could slip the new diaper under him and will lower himself again once that is done. I now have to wait for him to undo the diaper himself but I am allowed to help guide his hand if he struggles to find the tabs. However, if I inadvertently - or run out of patience when in a rush- undo them myself, I will cause a tantrum and I will be lucky to get the diaper on him at all after that. I have once actually needed to call his aunt to come over to help me because I could not get his diaper on at all. Unfortunately, his grandmother has also witnessed such an incident with his father. He may request a wipe to help wipe himself but usually he is okay with letting me finish off. At this point, we may argue about clothing. Usually, he will categorically refuse to wear any pants at all. If I need to get him into pants, I need to inform him of where we are going and IF he decides he is willing to go, he'll help me put his pants on. If not, I'll have to resort to forcing him into them. With tops, I often give him a choice between 2 different tops and allow him to choose. If it's for an appointment, I usually play it safe and pick something with McQueen as I know he usually has no objection. Lately, he had been absolutely refusing to wear a T-shirt without a long-sleeve under since that is how he had been wearing them. However, with the warm weather and the fact that he gets too hot easily, I insisted and put him in one. This led to a grumpy child who spent entirely too much time trying to stretch his sleeves from his elbows to his wrists but he quickly forgot about them once he was distracted with playing in the sand with his trucks. T-shirts are okay again now, thank goodness. Ironically, a while back, it was only T-shirts he would wear…

Now, this is where things get mucky...

I'm not one to plan a day. I simply go about my day doing things as and when I see fit. This is a huge issue for my little one who loves to have his day go about the same way every day. For example, if one day I do a fun craft with kiddo, he'll expect this to be done the next day as well, and the day after that, and on and on... If not, well, you guessed it, he'll have a tantrum. Thing is, this Mama ain't Mary Poppins and I am still struggling to find my balance with a kiddo, a house that feels like a mansion when it comes to maintenance, and a hoard of 4-legged family members who tend to conspire against me and bring me ever so much closer to insanity. Anything that changes during a day can be something that sets off the kiddo or that the kiddo really loves and tries to retain as part of the routine from then on.

The other problem I have is that everything we do brings in a certain level of stimulation – under stimulate and he acts up out of boredom and overstimulate and you have a disaster on your hands. Now, being the mom that I am, my whole concept of fun was based on a simple activity such as painting, being expanded on by bringing in all sorts of materials and textures to paint with. So, being that kiddo doesn't like finger painting because he doesn't like the feel of paint, I'd set the table and offer paint brushes, stamps, Q-tips, cotton balls, stickers, papers, etc. I didn't want to give him a predefined activity as I wanted him to enjoy discovering the effects that all these textures had on his painting. Upon seeing such a table, kiddo's eyes will always grow wide and he'll 'coo and ahhh' as he rushes over, dragging his blue chair behind him because that is the chair that is used for crafting. At that point, I might make the mistake of sitting on the couch so kiddo will promptly scold me and bring the other blue chair for me to sit on. Only then can we start with painting. For the first 10-15 minutes or so, we'll have great fun. Kiddo will try everything and he'll enjoy matching the tools to the paint color as he uses them. However, the further we go into it, the more you see that he's starting to act up. He's getting impatient and making demands that I cannot just allow and his temper flares. Eventually, the temper flares to the point that if I don't remove him, I can be sure that I'll be cleaning paint off all the surrounding surfaces in the area and I give up, putting the art supplies away. Now he's angry that I've put things away and he's not sure what to do with himself. Most of the time, he'll resort to running wildly around the room while screaming and throwing himself on the couch and/or on the pets. Not a good situation for anyone involved and I will scold him over and over again leading to tantrums and impatience on my end when I will finally decide enough is enough and I need to get him to bed for a nap. Usually by this point, there is little hope of anything going smoothly and we will have a full on battle of the wills. You've heard of the expression 'Shit hit the fan' but in my house, shit has literally gone flying across the room while I try to battle with my kid. While I usually emerge victorious - only because I am still just a bit stronger than the kid - I am not without my battle scars. Once the kid is in his bed, he usually screams at the top of his lungs and I just walk away, wondering if it's too early for a drink. He'll scream and scream - and I do mean scream. He screams enough that I am surprised no one has sent the police over. I wish I were kidding about that. Meanwhile, I often sit on the couch holding my head in my hands hoping he'll just fall asleep from exhaustion or sob, or both. Lots of times, I put on the webcam to watch him and shoved my headphones on, blasting music in my ears to shut him out. I tried everything but nothing works. Eventually, he normally falls asleep. It's only now that I understand that such activities caused this because of the over-stimulation that they brought on - not because he was being a brat with his demands - the over-stimulation is what causes him to become difficult in the first place.

I spend my days trying to find a balance between activities that allow my child to learn and grow and avoiding things that set him off. Even daily activities such as grocery shopping could become an issue. I cannot even begin to explain how challenging and exhausting that is and I cannot even begin to describe what it feels like when you don't even realize what the problem is - nor that there even is a problem to begin with. A clear example of this is that I had to learn the hard way how to garden with kiddo. For weeks, we had been collecting little pots of seeds to plant together as well as the other materials we needed to do so. I had been looking forward to starting a garden with kiddo for the longest time because I felt he'd really love being involved in it. With kiddo, the older the activity, the happier he is so this was one I truly felt he'd love and learn from. When the time finally came to plant the seeds, it was an absolute disaster. It started off great but despite having grouped the seeds according to their different needs, the minute the soil level needed to be different, tantrum. The minute I didn't need to take the individual seeds out of the packaging, tantrum. The minute we needed to skip a step for a certain seed, tantrum. The minute I used the wrong spoon to fill the pot, tantrum. It went on and on. In the hour that I tried to get those seeds planted, I had had a full day's worth of tantrums to deal with. Of course, this was one of those times when I removed him from the activity and decided to put him down for a nap so I had to deal with THAT whole battle as well. He kicked me so hard that day I was sure I’d be bruised. I got him to bed and I sobbed angrily as I planted the remaining seeds.

However, hindsight is a beautiful thing. This couldn't have worked because there simply were too many variables and steps for kiddo to process. Despite having considered giving up on the whole gardening idea, I knew that this was a good thing for us to do together and I made it a point to try it again - differently, this time. On a day that he seemed particularly happy, we gardened together. I set out the rules early on about where he could and couldn't go and, as long as he stayed within those boundaries, I wasn't going to bug him. Our front garden was FULL of weeds so he could pull out plants to his heart's content, with only a very few exceptions - which I had taken care to inform him about beforehand. I even managed to take him to the store. I told him where we were going and why and that got him excited. When I got there, things went well but, about halfway through, he started getting over-stimulated by all the colors and smells and so I cut it short, paid, and left. I immediately gave him lunch and then it was nap time. Unfortunately, he was already too over-stimulated to sleep and I had too much to do to stay with him so he didn't sleep. However, despite being unable to sleep, being in his room was soothing enough and he managed to play quietly while I worked on the things he couldn't help with. Once that was done, I got him out and we resumed working on the yard together. When he got bored with the weeds and started getting difficult, I took his trucks out and let him play in the dirt with them. Trucks are always an acceptable offering. I set out the plants but haven't planted them yet. I have now understood that, if given the opportunity, kiddo will try and determine their spot and that might not work, leading to tantrums. I also understand that moving them around will set him off. No, I now understand that if I am going to plant them with kiddo, their spot will have to be predetermined and the steps will have to be exactly the same for each of them for it to work.

Nap time has also become tricky. There was a time when he'd go nap relatively peacefully but kiddo suddenly decided he no longer needed to nap. Unfortunately, this is far from true. We have a real tyrant on our hands when he is too tired so there was no way I was going to just settle for that. After trying everything, I finally gave in and decided to take him to our bedroom and nap with him. This worked beautifully until I realized that not everything can just be put on pause and wait for us to get up from our nap. No, in fact, I have to leave for work soon after he goes down for his nap. This setup would not work... Trying a new tactic, I napped with him in his room. It's not ideal as I'd much prefer him to nap without needing me there but I am a step further with having managed to move him back into his own room. At least with him in his, I could possibly manage to sneak out quietly and head off for work. It's also really difficult because there are times when our schedule just conflicts with his nap time and we end up paying the price. Nap times are really getting quite difficult to deal with, honestly. I hope we can find the magic formula soon.

Not long ago, we were sick and because of this, we stayed in bed and I allowed him to watch his truck videos that he loves on my laptop after he had woken up from his nap. The next day, I struggled to get him out of bed. He wanted to watch his videos. I only managed to get him downstairs with the repeated promise that he could watch the videos on the couch. It took a lot of struggling and time to undo this. 

By the time evening comes, most of my day has usually been spent yelling, dealing with tantrums, bringing kiddo to his room to cool down numerous times, and just trying not to bash my head against the wall. Of course, there have been some good moments but they are often fleeting in nature. Oftentimes playtime starts off well but then kiddo gets upset about something and I just throw my hands up in the air and let him do his own thing. By the time 6pm comes, kiddo is often at the baby gate shaking it violently and demanding food. I’ll start cooking dinner but, ironically enough, despite kiddo demanding food, he’ll throw a fit because I am not paying him any attention and am ‘inaccessible’ to him. Luckily, when his father arrives, he quickly turns his attention to him and I find myself relieved not to have to deal alone any longer. Kiddo is almost always overly hyper when his father comes home and this often leads to more scolding as he tends to fall and hurt himself and/or our dog during those times. Once the food is on the table, he’ll demand every single condiment available so we have learned to avoid putting too much. We are also learning to remove everything that had been on the table. Anything like an apple will cause kiddo to shut down if we refuse it to him until after dinner. There are many times when kiddo is just too tired and not willing to cooperate during dinnertime so I send him out of the kitchen – sans food – until he calms down. I absolute hate arguing during dinnertime. Sometimes he’ll continue his screaming and then we’ll bring him up to his room but this usually results in even more screaming and a cold dinner for us.

Bedtime is my favorite and most hated part of the day. Again, there is a whole routine to be followed. Kiddo must take out his toothbrush and toothpaste himself. I am allowed to open the bag but I must let him do the rest. I may turn on the faucet but he must be the one to wet the toothbrush. I am then expected to hold the toothbrush while he squeezes out and entirely disproportionate amount of toothpaste. Once I have managed to put the extra toothpaste into the tube, I am allowed to brush his teeth and then he has to ‘finish’ brushing them himself. Then I turn on the faucet again and he’ll rinse off his toothbrush, give it a shake, and put the toothbrush and toothpaste back into the bag and then back into the drawer himself. This is followed by the diaper routine and ‘PJs’ –  usually the same top he had been wearing in the daytime and no pants. He then gives our dog a kiss goodnight. One day, our dog was crying for him as he hadn’t gotten his kiss. I made the mistake of bringing our dog up to him, somehow making the kiddo think that the dog would sleep in his room and causing kiddo to have a meltdown after that. No worries, I’ll never be doing that again. He generally goes up to his room and into his bed without a problem but we have plenty of days when we have to drag him up there kicking and screaming. Once in his room, kiddo gets in his bed and then I have to do ‘something’ with his nightlight. I have not yet figured out what it is he expects. We have made the horrendous mistake of giving him a nightlight with over 16 000 settings. Usually, I do ‘something’ and then we tell him goodnight and everything is fine right up until we walk out and then the screaming commences. As we go down the stairs, the screaming gets worse and worse. If we’re lucky, it lasts a few minutes and then he’s out. If not, he’ll start kicking at the door, rattling the gate like a wild animal, and screaming like you wouldn’t believe. Sometimes he falls asleep from exhaustion. Sometimes, he’s still awake by the tie we go to bed but he is talking to himself and or playing quietly so we let him be. Other times, he’s stuck in a meltdown mode and the only thing we can do is take him into our bed.

By the time he is finally asleep – if at all – we are deflated and exhausted. Too tired to do much, and most oftentimes feeling angry from kiddo’s antics, we often resort to simply each keeping to ourselves and taking time to cool off. We often watch a TV show/movie or sleep. There simply isn’t much time nor energy for us anymore and any ounce of energy left needs to be put into the reserve for tomorrow is another day and we never know if tomorrow will be better or worse…

The Rainbow

The blunt truth is – and yep, I’m gonna say this out loud -I have been struggling terribly as a mother. For the longest time, I honestly thought I was screwing it all up. I even came to a point where I sincerely considered leaving my family because I thought I was only having a negative impact on them. I simply cannot describe how heavy that feeling is to carry around on your shoulders day in and day out. The thing about me is that I may appear weak but I am a very strong person and tend to take action and try to find solutions. Because of this, I worked my butt off on myself and my own downfalls. That is a lifelong journey – one with many ups and downs – but one that I work at wholeheartedly. Still, no matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to quite grasp it as a mom and I really struggled with finding balance with kiddo. I took my feelings of failing as a mother to heart and really struggled to understand when and how I had become such a miserable human being that kept feeling overwhelmed, impatient, and disconnected from her kid. I had always loved kids and never thought I’d have such a hard time with being a mother. 

Everything was a fight and that left me absolutely drained. Simple things were taking so much effort and energy that I was struggling just to get through the day. For a long time, I thought I was too harsh and not soft enough so I tried really hard to flip it and soften up. That didn’t work. Then I thought perhaps he needed more discipline, especially with him being in his ‘terrible 2’s’ and testing boundaries. It seemed logical at the time. Things just kept getting worse. There was something I was missing and I couldn’t quite tell what that was. When kiddo had his last meltdown and I literally needed to restrain him for fear of him hurting himself or me, I was heartbroken and seriously questioned what I was doing wrong. The nagging feeling that perhaps there was more to it persisted and I started looking into it more and more.

Slowly but surely, things started popping up and I started feeling more and more like I was right. Slowly, I started pointing some things out but people assured me toddlers were silly creatures and that I was doing just fine. This only reinforced my negative feelings about myself and I felt lost in a world I expected to do perfectly well in. Being a first-time mom, I had no idea if I was being overly concerned and seeing things that weren’t there, or just not handling things well at all. Doubting myself was so much easier than trusting myself. I decided to sit on my concerns and trust that, if I was right, things would come up in their own time.

 When he had his 2-year appointment and we were told he was speech delayed, I wasn’t at all surprised. I expected it from the very start as he had always been a quiet child. Still, at that time, he was so busy with other things and both his parents are quiet being so I figured it was a natural thing for him. Plus, he was just 2 years old – still plenty of time for things to change. I knew all too well that kids do things in their own time. Heck, mine was running before he was a year old and all I wanted was for him to slow down some! We weren’t worried but I did want to stay on top of it since it started being an extra source of frustration from both kiddo’s end and mine. We certainly didn’t need more frustrations. We accepted the referral for the speech therapy in order to facilitate using it if we needed it and he was placed on the waiting list for a special language program as well. Kiddo had just started preschool and, since he was struggling with adapting to that, we didn’t want to bombard him with more. We were also thinking that preschool might help him advance with his speech so we allowed him extra time to see what would happen. On that front, after 6 months, we had seen no progress at all. If anything, we were seeing regression and the screaming had only become more frequent and intense. We started the therapy with the full confidence that it was necessary now. It wasn’t just his speech, it was his communication as a whole and the frustration it was causing him directly. Instead of trying to talk, he’d only scream. It seemed the tantrums were never-ending and people laughed at my frustrations saying “Welcome to the terrible 2’s. If you think, this is bad, just wait til you hit the threenager stage. Oh and wait til you have an actual teen… HA!” I tried to keep a sense of humor about it all - if you don’t laugh, you cry – but my misery grew deeper and deeper. If I couldn’t handle motherhood now and things could be expected to get worse, how the heck would I manage? Of course, I love my child to death and am very protective of him but, truthfully, I started reconsidering this whole motherhood thing and I started crying with relief at the fact that I hadn’t gotten pregnant when I had hoped to. I found myself increasingly put off at the thought of another child since I was obviously failing at this whole motherhood thing. Instead, I found myself considering a return to work more and more and trying to redeem myself on that front. Luckily, on that end, I seemed to be having more success so that brought me some well-needed relief. Plus, with a bit of work, it allowed me some hours to myself where I could get away from kiddo and breathe a bit. I only grew more frustrated with myself when I realized I even felt that way…

Time went on and the negative feelings only grew. I couldn’t shake the feeling that kiddo needed me now more than ever but I didn’t know how nor why. I struggled to juggle that feeling with activities and things that I wanted to be involved in and felt like I needed to get my priorities straight. There would be time for other things later but this would be the last year to give kiddo my full attention before he’d start school and I wanted to be able to offer him that. Everything fell into place and I knew I had made the right call.

As the weeks went on, the kiddo’s teacher started making little comments to me about how he was still struggling with certain things at the preschool. On the other hand, she kept reassuring me that he was doing better with us leaving him there so we had progress there at least. We were a bit sad to hear some of his struggles, mainly being that he refused to play with other kids or participate in the group activities but they respected that and allowed him to do his own thing and he was fine that way. The preschool we had hoped would provide him with lots of fun suddenly seemed like an expensive place for him to go play with cars on his own but we figured he just needed more time. We’ve also been annoyingly sick on and off since December as well and that seemed to be bringing us down a lot so we figured we were just having bad days and the better weather would bring some extra relief. 

With a little time, his teacher and I started talking more and more and we came on the chart subject and how I had been trying to use that to help facilitate things. This immediately got her attention and she asked me how I had gotten started with the chart so I went on about the struggles I had been having with him transitioning and how he really struggled with routine changing etc. I explained how everything was a struggle and how he had a need for things to be the same way each time and how the chart helped with preparing him with changes. I also explained how it backfired because I am a terribly disorganized person and I am not used to living in such a way. She then went on to explain she had seen the same issues with him at preschool with the transitioning and other little things. She admitted she had been sitting on her concerns for a little while since she wanted to look into it some more and having something more tangible to approach me with. I admitted to her that I had been sitting on those details myself as I didn’t want to make anyone go looking for things. Suddenly, the pieces were falling into place. It was at that moment that she ventured out of her comfort zone and risked the blunt question:
 “Do you see it?”

I did.

I knew exactly what she was asking. So we talked and talked. I got to ask questions and find out more about the things I wondered about and it felt so good to have that moment.

“When you are ready…” She said.

We left it at that. 

The mix of emotions was incredible after that. I allowed myself to venture out to a few friends who had more experience to help me sort all my thoughts. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Part of me felt relief but a major part of me felt fear. Fear of being right and having done wrong all this time, fear of being wrong and having sucked at it all this time, fear of what it all meant, etc. etc. 

His next visit to the preschool was a rough one. Kiddo was in his shut down mode when we dropped him off and I only wanted to bring him home. With some reassurance from his teacher, we left and hoped for the best. He did okay but he really was pretty much shut down that day. His teacher let us know that he had stayed alone, lining with the cars up as usual.  

A week later came the hair cut. Having prepared him for several days in advance, I thought he’d do okay with it. Of course, when I got there, he wouldn’t allow me to take him directly there. No, instead we had to go to the other stores as usual first. Luckily, I had allowed us enough time for that. I bought him an eraser just because it was shaped like a car and Thomas the Train books just to have something new to distract him from the haircut. However, the minute we put him in that chair, he went into full shut down mode. He clutched his car eraser tightly but there was nothing else from him. No sound, no eye contact, nothing. The hair dresser kept complimenting us on his behavior and how he was so easy. She kept saying she expected it to be much harder since kids his age like to move etc. The whole time she was talking, I just felt absolutely disheartened. While I could 100% understand the relief of not having to struggle with him and while I certainly felt relieved that he wasn’t having a massive tantrum like he has had in the past, my heart ached seeing him. After his haircut, I did the rest of the routine with him, thinking it would get him out of his shut down, but it had no effect. The orange juice he insists on having every time we step foot in that mall brought no comfort. He drank it in silence, without his usual excitement. The African grey he insists on waving to every time we shop was stared at blankly for a brief moment and then he simply walked away. I put him in the Babboe and he just stared up ahead. Once we got home, I got him out and he headed towards his sand. I seized the moment and brought out his trucks and I finally got a smile and a thumbs up.  His teacher saw his hair and commented on how much she liked it but she caught the look in my eye and asked me what was wrong. I told her how he had acted and then I caught her eyes tearing up. She understood. That’s when I broke and we ended up crying together. She put her hands on my shoulders and looked at me… 

“It’s time, Mama… Trust your heart, you are not wrong. I’ll be with you.”

Taking a deep breath, I put in a formal request to have Alert4you come in to check him out. Alert4you is a program that works with the preschool as well as Child Care Services to observe your child at the preschool (or at home) to see if there is anything worth having evaluated. I was to write a list of concerns so they could see if they could spot anything. I cried and laughed while I wrote it, doing so while he was at preschool so I could just focus on getting it done. By the time I was done, I had 4 pages worth of concerns. Oops. I added a summary version to avoid sounding like a crazy person - not that it would have helped - and handed it in when I picked him up. Just to do it on purpose, his teacher told me he had had a good day and he was very open and smiley. I guess this had been supposed to comfort me but it had the exact opposite effect. Suddenly, I doubted everything and I was too late to get out of the request. I felt overwhelmed by fear, suddenly realizing that I could be wrong and wondering what that said about me as a mom and as a person. The next week or so went by very slowly and the stress was almost too much to handle. I tried to keep my emotions at bay and just got into a protective mode while I tried to deal. We had an appointment with the preschool to chat about things and when the Alert4you would come in, etc. They expected them to come in after the May vacation. 

On Thursday, I received a message from his teacher asking if I could bring kiddo to the preschool on Friday. The preschool manager wanted to observe him so we did that and we were to have our meeting with them afterwards as expected. Kiddo had woken up in a great mood that morning and I was really worried that he would make me look like a crazy person just like kids tend to do when you take them to the doctor’s… I was terrified. Terrified I would lose any credibility, and just basically terrified of everything. The vulnerability you feel from exposing yourself as a parent that way can be very difficult to describe…

On Friday, we sat down with the manager and his teacher and the whole ordeal was over. My fears, my concerns, my doubts, everything was validated.  The manager had witnessed a lot of the behaviors that I, as well as his teacher, had been concerned about. I thought the next step would be for Alert4you to come but the manager was stepping in and requesting help directly instead. Meaning, she had seen enough to put that request in. With my permission, she put in an urgent request for a special assistance at home to help me with things here while we deal with sorting things longer term. She also put in an urgent request to kiddo’s healthcare providers for a full evaluation and diagnosis and then she put in a request for the preschool behavior consultant to come evaluate him in order to make a decision about the best plan of action in terms of preschooling. Meaning, she was requesting a decision on whether he should be moved to a fully specialized preschool or move to a tandem system which provides both specialized as well as mainstream care. Both have waiting lists so she also offered a possibility of having him stay where he is at the moment but with a special aide if he cannot be put into specialized care quickly enough. Clearly, it has already been decided that intervention is necessary.

I looked at him and I cried. I could hardly speak. All that time… It wasn’t anything I had done or hadn’t done. All that time, it just simply was… 

“You’re not alone anymore, Mama. You weren’t wrong, Mama.” 

And on Friday, I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. Suddenly, there were answers and there was help. There were professionals who had worked with children and parents for years sitting across from me who were validating everything I had struggled with. 

While the true diagnosis from actually qualified medical personnel still needs to be given, I know in my heart that kiddo is autistic - not that there is anything 'wrong' with that. I fully expect it. I know in my heart that all the pieces fit. I know in my heart that I can trust this – the bond is there and has always been. The bond was there from the day he was born and I sobbed in my hospital room because I couldn’t get to him and I KNEW it was him crying from the NICU. The bond was there when I furiously took him to the ER to have him checked after having been dismissed as a stressed new mom because I KNEW he was hurting. The bond was there when I found the cause of his reflux despite all the other caregivers telling us we were wrong. Gosh, how much longer would the poor child have suffered with reflux if I hadn’t listened to myself then. 

My heart has always known. 

Someone told me to allow myself time to ‘mourn’ but I haven’t lost anything. I don't see this as a bad thing or as anything necessarily 'wrong'. All I did was gain. On Friday, I gained validation, insight, new perspective, and allies. I gained new knowledge that I was able to apply and gain from immediately. I gained strength as well as a new sense of direction. More importantly, I also gained some extra respect for myself and I am learning now to be kinder to myself. One day, I will gain the knowledge that I don't muck up nearly as often as I think I do.

I am okay with this. I am okay with knowing I need to relearn some things. I am okay knowing I have a lot to discover and navigate. I am perfectly okay with who he is. Sure, some things are tough but now I know why they are this way and I will learn how to deal with that better. I have absolutely no intention of ‘fixing’ him. He’ll always be who he is but, just like every other human being, there are some things he struggles with that he could use some help with. 

The only thing that has changed in all of this is me and my own understanding.

I’ll be that mom whose kid freaks out in the grocery store. Every. Single. Time. Maybe you’ll be the person that sees a difficult kid who can’t obey when his mum calls him to her or tells him to keep walking. I’ll be the mum who now knows he’s not having a tantrum, he is shutting down. I’ll be the mum that knows that when he slumps to the floor, it is not to make it more difficult on mommy to pick him up and make her look stupid in front of all the people staring, it’s him ‘grounding’ and needing to shut down from all the input bombarding him. You might be the person who will think I should discipline my kid so I wouldn’t have a ‘brat’ on my hands. I’ll be the mum who knows, truly knows, that discipline rules our lives and that my kid never was a brat to start with. You might be the person who thinks I am a horrible person because my child screams for what sounds like forever. I’ll be the mum that hates the screaming even more than you do and tried everything to stop that child from screaming but that has come to understand that the easiest and quickest way for it to stop once it has started is to do nothing.  You might be the person who thinks my kid is a spoiled brat because he has a massive tantrum if the store runs out of juice. I’ll be the mum who understands that that juice is the ONLY orange juice he will drink and that it is against the rules in his understanding for that juice to simply not exist in that moment. You might be someone who thinks I allow my child to be king by allowing him to set all the rules by making everything revolve around him and his needs. I’ll be the mum who knows why she has to be so strict with routine and the consequences it has when things are changed. You might be the person that thinks you can do better but I’m the mum and I know my kid better than anyone else ever will. I cannot blame you for not knowing, for assuming and not understanding. I simply cannot expect you to grasp this until you’ve experienced this for yourself.

I know -  I was you once…

I’ll look at you and I'll smile.

I’ll even forgive you for being ignorant.

But I won't envy you because I wouldn't trade my kid for anything.

I look back at that moment in the kitchen when I looked at my partner after a particularly bad moment and said, “Gosh, I have so much respect for parents that have kids with autism. I don’t think I could do it, I seriously don’t.” and all I can do is laugh. 

We got this. We always did.

And, in case I had any doubt left, I have found this...

It couldn't be more perfect.

I've always been all about rainbows.

#TotsinHats

Ever tried to put a hat on a kid? 

The struggle is real. 

The look of disapproval is real. 

The consequences are real.

Good luck!

Post your silly hat pics on Twitter!

#totsinhats

VTech Toot-Toots Coming...?

So, as I have already mentioned, we are pretty Toot-Toot obsessed here and I admit to being oddly fascinated with them. I don't know if it's the fact that I used to work in a toy store or the fact that I'm always on the lookout for what kiddo might find interesting but I seem to be spending quite a bit of time trying to stay in the Toot-Toot loop. Unfortunately, this has led to quite a bit of frustration on my end as VTech doesn't seem to keep us informed very well. To make matters worse, some stores get exclusivity and things release at completely different times in different countries. Either way, VTech's web site doesn't provide us with much information at all. Soooooo, in an effort to stay in the loop and help out any other parents that might be interested, I figured I'd mention them here on my blog. I have quite a few friends whose kids are also into these toys so why not?

Last year, I discovered early on that VTech was releasing a chicken coop. I found this to be very odd given that prior to that, we only had the Animal Treehouse and Zoo so this didn't seem to fit at all. Clearly, there had to be a farm on the way and with Easter not being so far away, it seemed like a logical step. I was correct about the farm and the line just kept expanding from there, though I don't quite remember if I was correct about the Easter release. Another surprise I had was discovering news about a mega Amusement Park set while watching an annual toy convention. As far as I was aware, there had been absolutely no news about this on VTech's web site so I immediately took the liberty of contacting them to inquire about it. It was this way that I found out about store exclusivity. 

Why would VTech be so quiet about such an awesome playset? Look at that thing! It's awesome! We did choose to pass on that one ourselves as it is simply too  huge to fit in our happy little home but still, it looks so great!

Looking at VTech's website, it is clear that there is only a limited selection of the available playsets and vehicles/animals listed there. I am not sure why there isn't a page that shows all that exists, especially since you technically pick your location when first accessing the site... I find the lack of information rather odd. If a position would ever open to start maintaining that, I'd jump at the opportunity. With the amount of Toot-Toot spoiling we do, I could use the salary. :P While on that subject, it is interesting to know that the toys will be different depending on your location. Things like colors, selection, and little details will be different. For example, I saw that the farm on Amazon US comes with a grain silo which is not included in the one from Amazon UK. A quirky, but one which I personally find to be quite interesting, detail is the fact that dutch vehicles are named as well as have the generic noun printed on them, whereas Toot-Toots from the UK only have a generic noun. More specifically, our Toot-Toot Taxi is Dutch and he is called Thijs, not just 'taxi'. The french ones are also named. In our family, we have the great advantage of buying them in Dutch, English, and French so it gives us quite a few possibilities. I am not sure why the UK ones aren't named as I would think the children enjoy this detail. I assume maybe it is because English is so international that they decided it was best to sell them the same everywhere but I am not sure if that is truly the reason. I find it a bit sad for them really... I will have to add this to my list of questions for the day I will meet a Toot-Toot rep. ;) 

Aaaaanywho, onto the fun stuff! New Releases! Yes, that's what I was trying to get to. As I said, I already ordered the Puck lookalike which Amazon UK listed as being released on January 1st, 2016. Amazon contacted me yesterday to let me know that there was a delay in their reception of the stock and that they'd contact me again once they knew more. All of the new releases in that category are now being listed as 'Temporarily Out of Stock' on their site so it is a bit unknown as to when they will release but I did some digging and they seem to be available elsewhere so let's see what I've dug up so far on Amazon UK...

In the Toot-Toot Drivers series, I have spotted these 4 little guys:

The french version comes with bins, unlike the listings I have seen for the english one. This is an example of how products differ depending on location and why I spend so much time looking into what is made since we are a multilingual family and have access to several options...

In the Animals series, we have these adorable lil guys joining the collection:

Kiddo insists this one is Puck and this little guy has been the reason we ended up with some Toot-Toot animals in the house. 

I think the biggest thing to notice is that these are all domestic animals so part of a 'pet' series which is entirely new as we've had exotic zoo/wild animals and farm animals only so far. Also, I believe it's the first time we actually have 'furry' animals. With this in mind, it was easy for me to start asking where the bunny is. I did some more digging...

Ah, there he is! ;) 

And then we have an entirely new line which I have not seen before. It seems to be called Splash World and clearly a line specially designed for bath time fun. These are going to work both in the water and on land so I wonder if they have any plans for integrating them into the Drivers series.

These guys have been spotted:

With the exception of the bunny, these were all listed on Amazon UK being released January 1st, 2016. Like I said, they have all had their listings revised to 'temporarily out of stock' as they were not received and I am expecting news on that soon since I have already pre-ordered the dog. I have seen the rabbit listed on sites in both the UK and the US so I imagine the 'pet' series will be available in both places soon if not already available in the US. I have seen absolutely none of these on any of the dutch sites and have no idea when they would release as we tend to get the releases quite a bit later, perhaps 6 months or so.

Aha!

Some further digging and I have found something more concrete, finally!

http://www.vtech-jouets.com/tut-tut-animo-domestiques-assortis.html

There we go, an official VTech source citing the 'pet' series as being available in February 2016. This is the french version, of course, but I expect the english one to come out sooner if not around the same time. Seeing how this is a pet series and it doesn't quite seem to fit in with the other existing playsets, I am assuming we'll also be seeing the addition of either a pet store or vet clinic. I'm not sure what the design would look like but, since they've released a hospital in their VTech Smart Friends line (not compatible with VTech Toot-Toot nor Animal series as the Friends line is bigger), I wouldn't be surprised to see something similar show up for our newest cuties. ;)

While digging for more info, I also came across this guy.

I have only seem this fun hot rod (also available in red) listed in North America. I have not come across a hot rod in Europe at all yet. I wonder if it's something that will come or if it's exclusive there...

Anywho, that's all I've got for now! I'll be keeping an eye out on the various toy conventions to see what else I might spot. Shame that VTech makes me go through so much to uncover their secrets! ;)

Have you spotted a new fun addition for your little one?

Toot-Toooot!

The Toot-Toots have taken over! They are everywhere! They are our Monkey's favorite toys and they are probably mine as well. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, I am referring to VTech's line of toys called Toot-Toot Drivers. They are also known as Go Go Smart Cars in the USA and Toet-Toets here in the Netherlands. They also have the Toot-Toot Animals/Zoef-Zoef Dieren and a yet-to-be-released Splash World line.

Toot-Toot vehicles and little extras. There are 2 intruders in the photo but kiddo insists that they are honorary Toot-Toots and are to be treated as such. He now has a cow, a horse, a foal to add to his collection.

As for us, we started with them shortly before kiddo's 1st birthday. We had already spotted the train station and had been discussing it when a friend had her son's garage on offer so we decided to buy that off her and see how he liked it. I absolutely loved the idea of them as they are something you can constantly add to and, since they are all compatible, you don't end up with all sorts of different sets that won't work together. They have lights, sounds, melodies, are sturdy as heck, colorful, and are plenty of fun! He really seemed to enjoy the garage and tow truck that came with it so we decided to go ahead with those for his first birthday. Prior to that, he didn't actually have that many toys, nor did he play with them too much as he was simply too busy trying to run about and get into things he shouldn't get into.

Big, big hit with the kiddo!

We had gotten him the Railway Station, and family members gifted him some extra vehicles, the larger fire engine, and the construction site. It certainly didn't take long before we were out looking for an extension to be able to connect the kits together! From that point on, the Toot-Toots have been kiddo's absolute favorite toy to play with. At the age of 1, he did need us to assemble the tracks and he spent most of the time playing with the vehicles in his hand but he still loved them. By the time he was turning 2, he was driving those vehicles along the tracks and even building them himself. Creativity started taking over and assembling the tracks was just as (if not more) fun as playing on them. It didn't take long before kiddo and I got into heated debates about track designs!

Months before Christmas, we spotted the newest release of a Toot-Toot RC Racetrack coming and knew that was perfect as kiddo's Christmas gift. Now what 2 year old doesn't love radio-controlled cars? To top it off, VTech released a Toot-Toot Advent calendar and we ended up getting him that as well. Toot-toots were added to his wishlist and the collection just grew and grew. Now, kiddo has always been much more drawn to the Drivers line than the Animals one despite my best attempts. However, while browsing, I accidentally came across some new releases (more about that in a separate post) that were being advertised as being released on January 1st of this year. Actually, it's kiddo that spotted it when he spotted a dog that he insists is Puck. He kept pointing at it saying "Puck!" and then spotted the cats as well and happened to spot the black one that reminds him of Baloo. Now, this is how my logic works... I had no problem getting him the Puck lookalike, but where would he go? I couldn't quite pass him off as a fire dog, could I? I found the idea of a stray quite sad, we certainly didn't need stray cats and dogs running amok! I didn't quite like the idea of getting into the zoo/safari line as kiddo didn't seem to connect with those animals but I understood kiddo's desire to have the ones that he could relate to... I spotted another new release: a doggy playhouse. That sure seemed cute and a 'house' could work into his preexisting collection but then it came with a brown dog and he definitely wanted the one that looks like Puck. His grandparents had sent him some money to get a Christmas gift and I spotted the farm in Amazon's Lightning Deals and it was just perfect. I mean, a dog and cat certainly can live on a farm and a farm worked just fine with the collection he already had... I looked at it carefully and realized that it came with a really cute cow. Cute yes, but the farm had some great stables that just seemed empty. Seemed a bit of a shame not to buy the gorgeous Mama Horse and foal... ;) Of course, a bunny would be a great addition since there are carrots and so would a chicken since there is a lovely tree swing but I had to control myself. ;) It would come later in January but it just meant he'd have another surprise.

Kiddo opened his RC Raceway on Christmas Day. Oh boy was he ever excited! We also received a second RC Racer so kiddo could actually have someone (me, me, me!) race him. It was too late for kiddo to play with it so it had to wait until the next day.

Gasp! What is this?!

The next day, the Mr. and I got the Raceway all assembled and ready for kiddo while he impatiently hung around, waiting for us to be done so he could finally play. Wow, it's simply awesome! That is a great piece of kit to have added to his collection. We raced, he raced his Papa, raced his Oma... Oh yes, it was great. The only downer was that we had expected the RC racers to work on his entire track but this was not the case :( Unfortunately, the sides are a little lower on the regular track. While driving straight is perfectly fine, taking corners means your racer will veer off track  and go off roading. I have contacted VTech about this and am hoping to hear back.

.
Kiddo discovering his RC Raceway track. It's great and we love how the RC controls everything, even the stunts!

Yesterday, I was surprised by the postman delivering our Amazon order. I had only expected it to come today so that was a fun surprise. When I had put the order in, I had decided to accept the challenge of creating one enormous fully-connected track with everything he has. In fact, I think it's partly the reason why we took down the Christmas decorations so quickly, just so we could have the space to do this! I knew kiddo would get a major kick out of it and I just loved the challenge as it's just like a puzzle. It can be really frustrating sometimes, especially if you are slightly OCD like me and insist on not mixing up the tracks and try to get something 'logical' so you don't end up with vehicles crashing into each other or end up with dead ends. My kid, on the other hand, really gets a kick out of building things as curvy and as loopy as he can. His dutch blood already has him building bloody roundabouts! Anyway, because of our road design disagreements, I decided it would be much more pleasant if I attempted the mega track on my own without having my 'boss' looking over my shoulder to 'correct' my design. I rearranged the furniture in the living room, brought up the boxes of decorations and put the lil monkey in his room for his 'quiet time' (we don't call it 'nap time' here anymore unless we want a tantrum on our hands!) and set to work. First, I had to group up all the kits so that I knew exactly what I had to work with for each section. Plus, there's always something missing so best to work section by section. Next, I had to decide what made 'sense' in terms of what should go where. I didn't think the animals would appreciate living right next to the race track so I ended up putting the farm a bit away from the railway since that seemed to be more 'logical'. Yeah, I know, I'm special that way. I like to call it 'quirky'. ;) Anyway, it took me bloody hours to build it and I'm not kidding. Each section needed to be just right and then I had to open them up properly to extend them into the next, etc. I tried to improvise the railway design but quickly realized I would be there all night so I Googled some VTech designs and picked the most suitable (after getting it wrong another 2 times first, of course) one which would allow me to continue. I got it all done just as kiddo woke and I used all our pieces with the exception of 2 so yeah, one mega track. I was satisfied that I had completed the challenge and admired the large track in front of me. I knew kiddo would get a major kick out of it and I couldn't wait to get playing. Yeah, yeah, I know...! To add to the fun of it all, kiddo had no idea he had gotten the farm at all. I simply assembled it (don't attempt to put the stickers on it around your sticker-happy child), put the new horses in the stable and the cow in the pasture and left it at that. I placed the rest of the vehicles where they seemed to make sense and went upstairs to get kiddo.

The track before kiddo saw it.

Once ready, I let him walk into the living room and he just stood in awe as he looked at the track. The last time we had connected it like that was before the new additions so it was only about half the size. It really was impressive now! He quickly spotted the new farm and found the animals and simply kept saying "What is this now?!" Haha, silly monkey! Once he had a good look at the animals, he ran off to his racers and handed me a control so we raced for a few. Once he was satisfied that he had beaten me enough, he ran off to play with the rest but that was not so easy as he did not know where to start! It was great. Of course, once kiddo got involved, terrible things started happening. Somehow the poor cow ended up getting run over by the train, Santa and his sleigh had flipped over in the construction area and the quad and cement truck figured the stable provided a great parking spot while the tow truck took a snooze in the barn. I won't even tell you where the plane ended up! Kids! :P

Seeing him there gives you a better idea of the size of this thing!

The adorable farm which will eventually house all sorts of cute critters.

Kiddo really enjoys the slide part.

The Mr. came home and kiddo quickly grabbed him and started showing him the animals and playing with him. I had been concerned that kiddo wouldn't like the animals as much but after seeing the cow and foal join us for dinner and then the horses join kiddo in bed, I think it is fair to say that the Toot-Toot Animals are also a success. Doggy will join us later as there has been a delay in his arrival but I think kiddo's got his hands full at the moment anyway.

So yeah, we're pretty Toot-Toot obsessed in our family. Can you blame us? ;)